NOW WE KNOW BETTER

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When all of this is finally over may we never again take for granted a firm handshake

A crowded theatre on a Friday afternoon with friends sharing flavoured popcorns and loads of careless laughter

May we never take for granted the simple act of being able to get together for the weekend to smile and rejoice while we eat and drink. Laughing until our ribs hurt. Catching up. Chatting and building the family circle while living the wholesome and old fashioned cheer

I hope we never again take for granted the moments we bow down our heads with strangers for a moment of prayer and thanksgiving

I pray that now more than ever we learn how to appreciate the simple act of inviting neighbours and all other wanderers for a cup of coffee on a chilly evening

I hope we never again take for granted random dates with our loved ones

I hope now we value the times we were able to leave the house and watch the sun set beautifully. When the twilight sun was sinking and dusk embraces mother earth

I hope now we know what a joy it was to catch the splendor moments of unmeasured worth

I hope we learn how to value those morning walks to the park. The simple act of being able to vividly see the leaves fall off trees and flowers blossoming

Birds chipping and the wind blowing gracefully hitting our faces to numbness

The sound of rivers flowing and waves hitting the shores of the sea

Most of all I hope we learn how to value the gift of life. A good health and a productive day. Now more than ever I hope we learn how essential kindness is to strangers

I hope you know what it means to feed the poor or give a hand to the old and vulnerable in society, to forgive those who have caused us pain and unlimitedly spread love and good energy

I hope we now learn how to appreciate the noise of the city permeating the walls of our apartments, the honking horns, occasional shouts and cheers and a barking dog

In a time like this where there is no human  distraction, no social outings, no elaborate dates or vacations, the value of the little things come into focus

Perhaps this time is an opportunity to remember what it is that really matters because love always blossoms in the little things

Perhaps this is a period for us to learn how to be courageous because what must you do in this life other than be courageous? For this life is a lovely yet frightening adventure

I hope now we know better.

“Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn’t know before you learned it.”-Maya Angelou

MOM & DAD

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The hardest part about growing up is realizing that our parents are also slowly growing older

So often do we forget this

And one day you will rise your head from your phone screen and they will be no more

We all dunno how much time they have left

An hour, a few hours, a day, a week, a decade, each minute far too precious yet a decade may seem like too much time left

We all carry that fear of waking up to them being no more

That great fear of loosing them

It always lingers in the doorway leaving us to weep with a mixture of angst and gratitude to have been with them in the first place all at the same time

It is finally ushered all the way in to carry and comfort our loved one to that better place

As we are in our blooming youth age trying with varying degrees of success to cruise into adulthood, our parents are growing older

They are not so strong and active anymore

All dad can do now is attend to his gorgeous plants and poultry

Mom is mostly indoors engaging in less exhausting tasks, crafting and crocheting

Whenever they go out I watch my father take my mother by the arm slowly and carefully not to hurt her and help her step down the small steps from a porch they once would run through

And that’s when it hits me that as we are our here living life, hustling, falling in love, partying and making a whole new bunch of friends everyday they are moving closer and closer to their graves

As a child I’d see my parents as invisible adults

I saw my dad as strong, able, protective and more so a hero cause he’d take care of everyone and everything, now, not so much, he needs someone to take care of him

Mom was always this strong beautiful bubbly woman who would run around the house with us, throw the ball at us, help us with our homework, sing us midday lullabies and wake us up with a cup of warm porridge and a story from long long ago then help us go through out assignments as we wait for dad to get home from work, now, she’s gotten a little older. Lines and wrinkles more pronounced. And of course her crown of grey more bold. She’s started to look more like my aunt now. She’s more beautiful in a really fragile way, more sensitive to things, she feels more deeply than she did years back, her stance is more regal. I see her as a woman she’s just not my mother. She’s still learning a lot at a later age in her life which at times gets really frustrating and exhausting. She’s still unlearning some of her bad traits. She’s imperfect and perfectly flawed. She is wisdom. She is fire. She is thunder. She is home. She is light. She’s is ancestry. All in human form

Now all I see is a really pretty, smiley and loving woman and a grey haired man with white beards who walks a little slower than he once did and would rather stay home holding his wife as they make funny stories while they drift in and out of sleep than go out and chill with fellow men

And it hits me once again that these two people who have been the absolute rock and foundation of my life may no longer be there as we keep counting minutes, hours and days

It is among the thoughts that well me up

I am not ready for those days yet and never will I ever be but I’ll make these days could like you made ours count while we were growing up

As you all grow older I’ll be here to remind you of your youthful days through all the photos you shared with me when I was young

I’ll remind you of all the times you fought over who’s gonna empty the litter in the bin and pick the kids from school

I’ll remind you of how beautiful you looked when you walked hand in hand to our school meetings

Mom, I’ll remind you of all the silly jokes dad would constantly make and you couldn’t help but burst into beams of laughter when you thought about them in the middle of your work meetings

Dad, I will be here to constantly remind you how happy you were when mom chose to quit her job and entirely be a stay at home mom and wife

I will remind you how you loved it when you came home from work to mom having made a bowl of butternut soup and butter mashed potatoes with a steak of fillet fish which still is your favorite meal

I’ll finally be able to share all the random photos and videos I took of you and mom being all funny, goofy and silly during our family trips. Yes I kept them for old age

You two have been a sign pure magic. Moon beams. Promises. Kisses. Gentle hugs. Like the night sky and the way it holds the moon. You have been a sign of star dusts with souls made of flame. I love you

 

I’M SORRY

b82a838b8b49c2b35d2d24c4d2c87318I am so sorry I literally run miles to get my mind off you

I am sorry I had to physically move away and write you off the way I did

Its really sad because whenever there is a quiet moment your face comes back to me with vengeance

I am deeply sorry that I wanted to snap out of that self absorbed paralysis cause you kept lingering in my head and it was a horrid state to be in

For a while, not even a day went by without me cross examining myself for my own faults, things I should or should not have done

There was a cacophony of voices all cooing, all screaming and demanding me to let it go

All voices were echoing the same rational advice. To disconnect, eject and proceed. Completely move on!

You’d barely believe me if I tell you I forgave you way before you asked me to

Way before I decided to leave

Amidst the injustice and and hurt it was something I arrived at

A lucky stumble into the clearing

It was a long fumble in the dark so believe me when I say that isn’t the reason I chose to leave

Forgiveness didn’t mean I should allow you a free passage back into my heart

Forgiveness didn’t mean I had to trust you again

It didn’t mean I was obligated to stay in that relationship despite you destroying the foundation of everything we had built

Forgiveness for me meant accepting the dirt done to me letting go and moving on gracefully

For me it meant I get to choose who to begin with again if I ever want to do so

For me forgiveness meant letting go because too much damage has already been done that we can’t just look past it anymore

Forgiveness for me was accepting that we are all shattered fragments of a glass vase and we all need space and time to piece ourselves together

Forgiveness at times is accepting that staying together will feel more like that small shard of glass you step on after thinking you picked up every tiny piece

It is accepting that love was not enough to sustain us

Our hearts are far too broken to stay whole together

We have cried a river all upon our own

We cannot help but await the day our hearts will turn into stones

All in all It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all

Loosing things and people is all an unfortunate yet natural part of life

We all loose pieces of ourselves as we grow but that’s just part of growth for it is a constant.

FORGIVENESS

 

55d6b37f73e5031fcc295e7ac41c36f5-2slowly by slowly I’m learning a little bit more about forgiveness

I’m learning how easy bitterness is

I’m learning what Ernest Homingways meant by “The world breaks everyone and afterwards many are strong in the broken places”.

Growing up, the more I learnt about the worlds injustices, the angrier I became

I seemed to feel everything particularly the suffering I saw around me

But I’ve learnt there is a new sense of freedom in forgiveness

There is even a physical sensation of relief, like letting go of a long breathe you’ve been holding on for years

One way to forgive the past and chart the future is to recast yourself the hero, not the victim in the narrative of your own life

We all need to pass the hurdle of forgiveness

Forgive the sharpened dagger that was stabbed through your heart and ripped it in two

Forgive the double edged knife that cut all your connections

Forgive the two sided mirror that lied about its true reflection

Forgive them for being on the other end of the twisted dagger that tore you apart

Forgive them for making scars in your heart that have never quite healed

Forgive them for stomping your soul and ripping your heart apart even though they knew it was already in pieces

Forgive all the lies they told and the deceptive smiles they put on their faces every time they are around you

Living with a burden of anger is not living

The wounds are real. The bricks thrown at us are real. Each one represents a profound hurt that may be difficult to put down but bitterness and anger do not have to be part of the story any longer. We can choose to leave the bricks on the ground and halt the damage

MY GRIEF JOURNEY

d41d62cccf42eecf84497ef939ad65a1grief means something different to everyone and every grief journey is different. Your grief path is yours alone and no one else can walk it or understand it. No one ever told me grief feels more like fear

With grief you have to take it one day at a time and learn how to find the happiness amid the heartbreak. You ebb and flow

Today marks exactly two years since I lost someone so close to my heart. Very suddenly and very traumatically. Its not been easy

Grief for me has been battling to put one foot in front of the other every morning because its a reminder you not here anymore

Grief to me has been crying every time I listen to ‘You are the reason – Victoria Justice’. That was every time and the last time I saw myself with you

Grief to me has been having a terrible fear of loss. Having extreme anxiety that everyone I love is going to disappear just like you did

Grief to me has been crying in the bathroom. It has been every time I sit on the kitchen counter listening to music or watching a movie and seeing the space left that you use to occupy. It should have been you sitting there but you are no more

It has been watching a comedy curled up in bed all alone then suddenly it hits me that you’d be next to me making stupid comments about how funny the movie is because you are making me watch it for the a thousandth time and you just can’t shut up

Grief has been choosing to go out to the same coffee place we use to go to alone because I did not want anyone else sitting where you sat, because I did not want to share the memories I shared with you with anyone else. So I just sit there smiling and holding in laughter while thinking of all the stupid jokes you’d make every time  we’d come here

How we’d eat out on a daily and you’d constantly remind me ” Honey, I’ll always love you, no matter how big you get.” And I’d jokingly  groan and spit whatever I was drinking right on you

Grief has been going back to the same park we went to , only that this time its me alone. Just I and the memories you left me with

Grief has been going to the secret chill place we discovered and instantly feeling braked and feel a first smile cross my lips. I sit down in the sand and spend almost half an hour doing nothing but staring out at the tidal waters and thinking of all the secrets we shared in this place. This place has been my safety valve, my escape hatch. It has been the way I survive this life without you

Grief has been seeing people walk hand in hand or seeing strangers heartfully laughing from a distant and remembering how you would constantly make me laugh so unapologetically without a single care in the world

Grief has been seeing a man out in public who looks or speaks exactly like you and freaking out for a second because I think its you

Grief has been remembering all this and still smiling through the tears. I’ve found peace within these thoughts and I’m happy

They say time heals all  wounds, but that presume the source of the grief is finite.

YET ANOTHER YEAR

snapchat-1820172450so here we go again. Another birthday. I’m overwhelmed at how God keeps sustaining me and choosing me every single day.

An year older

Its scary. Trust me. It makes me want to shit on my pants

I’m now being forced to be more selective in my battles. My choices. I can no longer just toss a coin to see which direction I should go

I now need to be more intentional and set a goal for each day

There is no longer time to procrastinate

Its now time for me to honour my own boundaries

To be selfish and take up my own space without being apologetic to anyone whatsoever

Which is a goal I set every single day i wake up and work on achieving. Some days it goes completely forgotten. I get so wrapped up in my day to day activities and forget there is ME

Sometimes I’ll agree to have been a prisoner of my own making and I know I need a break

Some days I’m so worn out and I do not realize it until I catch sight of my own self on a mirrored wall and almost recoil with shock

Surely this haggard stranger with a sickly, washed out face and bruised arcs beneath her eyes isn’t me!

Do I really look this awful? And oh God what happened to my hair

That’s how easy it is to completely forget myself when caught up in the midst of eventful days

The older I grow the more I realize just how important self love is.

As I grow older I realize I do not need a man to complete me. I am complete all on my own

The older I grow the more I realize I am just as clueless trying to figure life out as everyone else

I have realized there will be traumatic moments in life or grief that brings us into the belly of sadness in ways we cannot avoid

We all carry hurt either deep within us or sitting at the surface of our being

I have realized and I’m still gradually learning that its about using the things I have, the things I’ve been given, the pieces of myself that have always looked at the world with so much love. It’s about finding happiness within me and spreading that energy

Behind closed doors is the fear, the anxiousness and the negative self talk but I’ve conquered it all and I’m so grateful

At times I get all wrapped up in the big things, in this large and looming picture rather than the tiny pieces it is composed of

I worry too much about the future, the purpose, success, the reason when it’s all still in progress

You know what I mean?

Our lives are like mosaics, messy and difficult to see when we’re in the midst of the whole creation but quite breathtaking when we step back just a bit, let the change come, accept and embrace it

Let the people drift, let the path unfold and trust that we’ll get to see the masterpiece in the end

Small fragments of glass one day will make a great piece of art

Growing up for me means having more confidence in my abilities

It is dressing up for everyday without an excuse, no time to be a slob. But you do not have to slap a ton of make up or wear heels to fit in if you do not want to

Dress up even on days  it took your entire being to get off  your bed. Tie up your hair in a cute bun. Wash and moisturize your skin, look awake and alert

Be confident enough to wear any other thing you like apart from jeans and a hoodie. Do not check the faces of those passing by at the mall for judgement stares

This year am planning to not hide behind I’m fines

I am going to break out of my rut

I promise to push myself beyond the boarders of my wildest dreams

I am not going to shoot for the starlight to impress others

I vow to make way better decisions this years

So it’s a a few minutes to the actual day. Happy birthday to me🌻🎊

BROKEN WINGS 2

ccfbf81815e171cccfd9f944a18f4d1aI felt physically sick and having been rooted to the spot with shock and disbelief my feet once again took charge and I backed away, a hand clasped to my mouth my eyes brimming with tears. I stumbled through the crowd bashing blindly into people, not caring that they were tutting and giving me foolish looks

I saw the sign for the ladies and I bursted through the door and reached one of the loos and locked myself into one of the cubicles

I retched and retched and when it was over I flashed the toilet and leant back against the door clammy and weak with exhaustion. I squeezed my eyes shut

He was a father and most certainly a husband

Why? Why had he done it? All those lies? All those times they’d lain in bed and he’d say he loved her? What had it been all about?

I unlocked the cubicle door went to the row of basins and splashed water onto my face, summoning all my willpower to compose myself

I wrenched the door open and shot outside. I turned the corner practically at a run and went slapping slapping J who was now pushing the push chair

He looked directly at me and his face dropped and the full extent of his horror was plainly visible

“You?”

“Quite a happy family man aren’t you?Just saw your son and presumably your wife at the toilet

” I I …..”

“What? You can explain? Now this I have to hear.”

I felt a surge of powerful anger course through me and knowing I would never get this opportunity again I struck him so hard on the check with the open palm of my hand. ” You vile cheating lying bastard.”

A crowd was forming and I didn’t even have a care in the world. Nothing was private anymore. Not even a humiliating break up

Adrenaline still pumping through I had my phone ring and I knew it had to be P, it is when I remembered I was here to pick my friend up and got caught up in this whole mess

That was the end of a love story I thought was so beautiful

BROKEN WINGS

ccfbf81815e171cccfd9f944a18f4d1aMost times what we love most is what we are best without

This explains the constant fights between what we feel and what is right

The fights between our hearts and minds

Since I met J occasional bouts of day dreaming had started to slip into my busy schedule

Usually I spared these diversionary thoughts not more then a nano second of my precious time

But this evening I granted myself the luxury of dwelling on the most persistent of my day dreams, that was J being a permanent and long term fixture in my life

The first time this thought had popped into my head I had been shocked

I wasn’t that kind of girl. Marriage. Kids. Lunch boxes and school runs. That wasn’t for me

But meeting J had changed me in some way. It had made me consider things I had never considered before and it honestly terrified me

I had met J months ago in one of those flights to work meetings. We had got chatty and afterwards had dropped one of the reports I had been carrying and he picked it up for me as cliché as that sounds

By the time our plane had landed we had exchanged mobile numbers and arranged to meet for a drink two days later

The drink had turned into dinner and the following evening we met again

Within 90 days of meeting we were officially seeing each other and reeling with happy disbelief

Strictly speaking I was in a long distance relationship as J worked for a legal department in New York while I worked and stayed in London

This arrangement suited me perfectly

I didn’t cope well with 24/7 boyfriends

My last boyfriend had never understood the demands of my job or even appreciated that sometimes I needed to be alone. But J did

He understood this need in me because as he said of himself he was wired the same way

At 33 he was older then me by 10 years and I liked that his age and experience gave him a depth of maturity that most men my age didn’t possess

I might not see J as often as a conventional relationship would allow but when we are together, we truly are

As brief as our time together was, it had what I’d called the ring of authenticity to it

Better still we never argued or bickered over the trivia as most couples did

That was because we saw each other not so frequently and we didn’t have time to get bogged down in the tedious minutiae of everyday life

There was no silly talk about whose turn it was to put out the bin or empty the dish washer

But all this changed in a second

It only takes one shattering event of sufficient magnitude to change one’s core belief about life

Sunday morning and I was at the airport

Couldn’t wait to see my best friend P. It had felt like ages since we saw each other

The arrivals hall was surprisingly busy. P’s flight was due in the next ten minutes so I kept walking around looking for a good vantage point from which I would be able to spot P on arrival

Being there reminded me of J. Of the travelling he did and the many airports he passed through.

He’d told me he’d been on his way yesterday afternoon to San Fransisco for a meeting with a new start up company

Telling myself I was imagining things I had stared across the concourse to where a steady stream of arrivals were spilling out

I was so imagining things. I told myself again. But I wasn’t it was him. Almost as if my face had registered this knowledge before my brain

I began moving towards him. Dodging around people and trolleys laden with luggage

My gaze fixed on his face as he stared straight ahead. Unaware of me and my joy of seeing him so unexpectedly.

He must have had a last minute change of schedule and was actually planning to surprise me. What a pity I was going to ruin it

But what were the odds of her actually being here at the airport when he flew in?

I was close enough to now call out his name. J still couldn’t see me and I was on the verge of doing so when a small child came rushing towards him. “Daddy!” He shouted flinging his arms around him. ” Steady on there or you’ll have us both over.” He kissed him.  “Have you been good while I was away?” He nodded solemnly. His eyes wide. He was impossibly cute. “I have been very good. Haven’t I mommy?”

My heart was pounding wildly. My mouth was dry and a voice was screaming inside my head no no no this can’t be happening

Mommy who was now leaning in for a kiss and a hug was a pretty petite woman with a glossy Bob of dark brown hair and next to her was a push chair with a baby first asleep in it…………

 

To be continued

(Watch out for part two of this story guys. Thanks for stopping by and choosing to stay.)

Hello 2019😊

4b8c81ccb28162fc3efd999568bfe0a4so another year is here. Another year passed by just like that. So fast!

So I close my eyes to old ends and open my heart to new beginnings. This year has been a tough journey to some of us

To put it nicely it has been eventful, it has been filled with lots of laughter’s and tears as well, especially towards the end. It has been exciting, terrifying, messy, annoying, exhausting, name them all but most importantly it has been meaningful and full of lessons

This year has felt like I needed to take a crash course on life that I totally did not sign up for

It honestly felt like mid life crisis was already kicking in at such an early stage in life

But I’ve learnt to take it slowly. Day by day. Not to chase a life that is not mine

I learnt that I needed to let my path unfold not to compare my journey to anyone else’s

I learnt to trust the process. To trust my dreams and stop thinking they are insane just because everybody else laughs at them

It is not a case of casual or wistful day dreaming but an actual and persistent dream

Some would ask, “how do you expect to achieve all that?” Some say my expectations are too high and ridiculous. That the reality could never match up and live up to the dream. But it is a risk am prepared to take

After all what is life without taking a risk? And more importantly without chasing a dream? So I’ve learnt to be less doubtful about myself

I’ve also learnt to be more vocal than I really was before

I have lived a better part of my childhood in my head. Which in turn means my natural inclination is to be a loner. So sharing my space, my hopes, my dreams and feelings with someone else is always considered an uncharted territory but I have recently began to do it with people I consider close to me

In some way it feels liberating and in other ways it scares my rigid, flew in the face of all I understood about myself

Still progress

I am not scared of flipping and falling anymore

I am not triggered by loud music and wild parties anymore

I enjoy silence. Loud noises give me jitters. I connect more to the calm and quiet

I have reached a point where I am more inclined towards reflection and contemplation than being in a place where I forget to think all together

I desire more to observe and less to participate

A perfect gateway for me could simply be a fulfilling conversation with a person who speaks about more than just a better half; someone who wants to talk about their goals, achievements and experiences from life

I like the quiet. Quiet chilled places , with calm people. I like peace

This past year I finally found a home. And its within me. I have learnt how my soul operates. I’ve learnt to be patient with myself. I know am doing my best even though it isn’t what I would always define as best

I have battled anxiety everyday because life is not meant to be locked inside four walls

I’ve moved beyond my comfort zone both mentally and physically

I have realized am stronger than I thought. Not the physical type of strength but the strength that required you to walk through the fire of life and come out alive

I am wiser. Innately beyond the material realm. I am worthy. I am a woman beyond the womb space. I am a fighter and I am a winner.

I dunno where I want to be in life this 2019 but wherever it will be, I promise it won’t be boring.

Cheers 💞