FORGIVENESS

 

55d6b37f73e5031fcc295e7ac41c36f5-2slowly by slowly I’m learning a little bit more about forgiveness

I’m learning how easy bitterness is

I’m learning what Ernest Homingways meant by “The world breaks everyone and afterwards many are strong in the broken places”.

Growing up, the more I learnt about the worlds injustices, the angrier I became

I seemed to feel everything particularly the suffering I saw around me

But I’ve learnt there is a new sense of freedom in forgiveness

There is even a physical sensation of relief, like letting go of a long breathe you’ve been holding on for years

One way to forgive the past and chart the future is to recast yourself the hero, not the victim in the narrative of your own life

We all need to pass the hurdle of forgiveness

Forgive the sharpened dagger that was stabbed through your heart and ripped it in two

Forgive the double edged knife that cut all your connections

Forgive the two sided mirror that lied about its true reflection

Forgive them for being on the other end of the twisted dagger that tore you apart

Forgive them for making scars in your heart that have never quite healed

Forgive them for stomping your soul and ripping your heart apart even though they knew it was already in pieces

Forgive all the lies they told and the deceptive smiles they put on their faces every time they are around you

Living with a burden of anger is not living

The wounds are real. The bricks thrown at us are real. Each one represents a profound hurt that may be difficult to put down but bitterness and anger do not have to be part of the story any longer. We can choose to leave the bricks on the ground and halt the damage

MY GRIEF JOURNEY

d41d62cccf42eecf84497ef939ad65a1grief means something different to everyone and every grief journey is different. Your grief path is yours alone and no one else can walk it or understand it. No one ever told me grief feels more like fear

With grief you have to take it one day at a time and learn how to find the happiness amid the heartbreak. You ebb and flow

Today marks exactly two years since I lost someone so close to my heart. Very suddenly and very traumatically. Its not been easy

Grief for me has been battling to put one foot in front of the other every morning because its a reminder you not here anymore

Grief to me has been crying every time I listen to ‘You are the reason – Victoria Justice’. That was every time and the last time I saw myself with you

Grief to me has been having a terrible fear of loss. Having extreme anxiety that everyone I love is going to disappear just like you did

Grief to me has been crying in the bathroom. It has been every time I sit on the kitchen counter listening to music or watching a movie and seeing the space left that you use to occupy. It should have been you sitting there but you are no more

It has been watching a comedy curled up in bed all alone then suddenly it hits me that you’d be next to me making stupid comments about how funny the movie is because you are making me watch it for the a thousandth time and you just can’t shut up

Grief has been choosing to go out to the same coffee place we use to go to alone because I did not want anyone else sitting where you sat, because I did not want to share the memories I shared with you with anyone else. So I just sit there smiling and holding in laughter while thinking of all the stupid jokes you’d make every time  we’d come here

How we’d eat out on a daily and you’d constantly remind me ” Honey, I’ll always love you, no matter how big you get.” And I’d jokingly  groan and spit whatever I was drinking right on you

Grief has been going back to the same park we went to , only that this time its me alone. Just I and the memories you left me with

Grief has been going to the secret chill place we discovered and instantly feeling braked and feel a first smile cross my lips. I sit down in the sand and spend almost half an hour doing nothing but staring out at the tidal waters and thinking of all the secrets we shared in this place. This place has been my safety valve, my escape hatch. It has been the way I survive this life without you

Grief has been seeing people walk hand in hand or seeing strangers heartfully laughing from a distant and remembering how you would constantly make me laugh so unapologetically without a single care in the world

Grief has been seeing a man out in public who looks or speaks exactly like you and freaking out for a second because I think its you

Grief has been remembering all this and still smiling through the tears. I’ve found peace within these thoughts and I’m happy

They say time heals all  wounds, but that presume the source of the grief is finite.

YET ANOTHER YEAR

snapchat-1820172450so here we go again. Another birthday. I’m overwhelmed at how God keeps sustaining me and choosing me every single day.

An year older

Its scary. Trust me. It makes me want to shit on my pants

I’m now being forced to be more selective in my battles. My choices. I can no longer just toss a coin to see which direction I should go

I now need to be more intentional and set a goal for each day

There is no longer time to procrastinate

Its now time for me to honour my own boundaries

To be selfish and take up my own space without being apologetic to anyone whatsoever

Which is a goal I set every single day i wake up and work on achieving. Some days it goes completely forgotten. I get so wrapped up in my day to day activities and forget there is ME

Sometimes I’ll agree to have been a prisoner of my own making and I know I need a break

Some days I’m so worn out and I do not realize it until I catch sight of my own self on a mirrored wall and almost recoil with shock

Surely this haggard stranger with a sickly, washed out face and bruised arcs beneath her eyes isn’t me!

Do I really look this awful? And oh God what happened to my hair

That’s how easy it is to completely forget myself when caught up in the midst of eventful days

The older I grow the more I realize just how important self love is.

As I grow older I realize I do not need a man to complete me. I am complete all on my own

The older I grow the more I realize I am just as clueless trying to figure life out as everyone else

I have realized there will be traumatic moments in life or grief that brings us into the belly of sadness in ways we cannot avoid

We all carry hurt either deep within us or sitting at the surface of our being

I have realized and I’m still gradually learning that its about using the things I have, the things I’ve been given, the pieces of myself that have always looked at the world with so much love. It’s about finding happiness within me and spreading that energy

Behind closed doors is the fear, the anxiousness and the negative self talk but I’ve conquered it all and I’m so grateful

At times I get all wrapped up in the big things, in this large and looming picture rather than the tiny pieces it is composed of

I worry too much about the future, the purpose, success, the reason when it’s all still in progress

You know what I mean?

Our lives are like mosaics, messy and difficult to see when we’re in the midst of the whole creation but quite breathtaking when we step back just a bit, let the change come, accept and embrace it

Let the people drift, let the path unfold and trust that we’ll get to see the masterpiece in the end

Small fragments of glass one day will make a great piece of art

Growing up for me means having more confidence in my abilities

It is dressing up for everyday without an excuse, no time to be a slob. But you do not have to slap a ton of make up or wear heels to fit in if you do not want to

Dress up even on days  it took your entire being to get off  your bed. Tie up your hair in a cute bun. Wash and moisturize your skin, look awake and alert

Be confident enough to wear any other thing you like apart from jeans and a hoodie. Do not check the faces of those passing by at the mall for judgement stares

This year am planning to not hide behind I’m fines

I am going to break out of my rut

I promise to push myself beyond the boarders of my wildest dreams

I am not going to shoot for the starlight to impress others

I vow to make way better decisions this years

So it’s a a few minutes to the actual day. Happy birthday to me🌻🎊

BROKEN WINGS 2

ccfbf81815e171cccfd9f944a18f4d1aI felt physically sick and having been rooted to the spot with shock and disbelief my feet once again took charge and I backed away, a hand clasped to my mouth my eyes brimming with tears. I stumbled through the crowd bashing blindly into people, not caring that they were tutting and giving me foolish looks

I saw the sign for the ladies and I bursted through the door and reached one of the loos and locked myself into one of the cubicles

I retched and retched and when it was over I flashed the toilet and leant back against the door clammy and weak with exhaustion. I squeezed my eyes shut

He was a father and most certainly a husband

Why? Why had he done it? All those lies? All those times they’d lain in bed and he’d say he loved her? What had it been all about?

I unlocked the cubicle door went to the row of basins and splashed water onto my face, summoning all my willpower to compose myself

I wrenched the door open and shot outside. I turned the corner practically at a run and went slapping slapping J who was now pushing the push chair

He looked directly at me and his face dropped and the full extent of his horror was plainly visible

“You?”

“Quite a happy family man aren’t you?Just saw your son and presumably your wife at the toilet

” I I …..”

“What? You can explain? Now this I have to hear.”

I felt a surge of powerful anger course through me and knowing I would never get this opportunity again I struck him so hard on the check with the open palm of my hand. ” You vile cheating lying bastard.”

A crowd was forming and I didn’t even have a care in the world. Nothing was private anymore. Not even a humiliating break up

Adrenaline still pumping through I had my phone ring and I knew it had to be P, it is when I remembered I was here to pick my friend up and got caught up in this whole mess

That was the end of a love story I thought was so beautiful

BROKEN WINGS

ccfbf81815e171cccfd9f944a18f4d1aMost times what we love most is what we are best without

This explains the constant fights between what we feel and what is right

The fights between our hearts and minds

Since I met J occasional bouts of day dreaming had started to slip into my busy schedule

Usually I spared these diversionary thoughts not more then a nano second of my precious time

But this evening I granted myself the luxury of dwelling on the most persistent of my day dreams, that was J being a permanent and long term fixture in my life

The first time this thought had popped into my head I had been shocked

I wasn’t that kind of girl. Marriage. Kids. Lunch boxes and school runs. That wasn’t for me

But meeting J had changed me in some way. It had made me consider things I had never considered before and it honestly terrified me

I had met J months ago in one of those flights to work meetings. We had got chatty and afterwards had dropped one of the reports I had been carrying and he picked it up for me as cliché as that sounds

By the time our plane had landed we had exchanged mobile numbers and arranged to meet for a drink two days later

The drink had turned into dinner and the following evening we met again

Within 90 days of meeting we were officially seeing each other and reeling with happy disbelief

Strictly speaking I was in a long distance relationship as J worked for a legal department in New York while I worked and stayed in London

This arrangement suited me perfectly

I didn’t cope well with 24/7 boyfriends

My last boyfriend had never understood the demands of my job or even appreciated that sometimes I needed to be alone. But J did

He understood this need in me because as he said of himself he was wired the same way

At 33 he was older then me by 10 years and I liked that his age and experience gave him a depth of maturity that most men my age didn’t possess

I might not see J as often as a conventional relationship would allow but when we are together, we truly are

As brief as our time together was, it had what I’d called the ring of authenticity to it

Better still we never argued or bickered over the trivia as most couples did

That was because we saw each other not so frequently and we didn’t have time to get bogged down in the tedious minutiae of everyday life

There was no silly talk about whose turn it was to put out the bin or empty the dish washer

But all this changed in a second

It only takes one shattering event of sufficient magnitude to change one’s core belief about life

Sunday morning and I was at the airport

Couldn’t wait to see my best friend P. It had felt like ages since we saw each other

The arrivals hall was surprisingly busy. P’s flight was due in the next ten minutes so I kept walking around looking for a good vantage point from which I would be able to spot P on arrival

Being there reminded me of J. Of the travelling he did and the many airports he passed through.

He’d told me he’d been on his way yesterday afternoon to San Fransisco for a meeting with a new start up company

Telling myself I was imagining things I had stared across the concourse to where a steady stream of arrivals were spilling out

I was so imagining things. I told myself again. But I wasn’t it was him. Almost as if my face had registered this knowledge before my brain

I began moving towards him. Dodging around people and trolleys laden with luggage

My gaze fixed on his face as he stared straight ahead. Unaware of me and my joy of seeing him so unexpectedly.

He must have had a last minute change of schedule and was actually planning to surprise me. What a pity I was going to ruin it

But what were the odds of her actually being here at the airport when he flew in?

I was close enough to now call out his name. J still couldn’t see me and I was on the verge of doing so when a small child came rushing towards him. “Daddy!” He shouted flinging his arms around him. ” Steady on there or you’ll have us both over.” He kissed him.  “Have you been good while I was away?” He nodded solemnly. His eyes wide. He was impossibly cute. “I have been very good. Haven’t I mommy?”

My heart was pounding wildly. My mouth was dry and a voice was screaming inside my head no no no this can’t be happening

Mommy who was now leaning in for a kiss and a hug was a pretty petite woman with a glossy Bob of dark brown hair and next to her was a push chair with a baby first asleep in it…………

 

To be continued

(Watch out for part two of this story guys. Thanks for stopping by and choosing to stay.)

Hello 2019😊

4b8c81ccb28162fc3efd999568bfe0a4so another year is here. Another year passed by just like that. So fast!

So I close my eyes to old ends and open my heart to new beginnings. This year has been a tough journey to some of us

To put it nicely it has been eventful, it has been filled with lots of laughter’s and tears as well, especially towards the end. It has been exciting, terrifying, messy, annoying, exhausting, name them all but most importantly it has been meaningful and full of lessons

This year has felt like I needed to take a crash course on life that I totally did not sign up for

It honestly felt like mid life crisis was already kicking in at such an early stage in life

But I’ve learnt to take it slowly. Day by day. Not to chase a life that is not mine

I learnt that I needed to let my path unfold not to compare my journey to anyone else’s

I learnt to trust the process. To trust my dreams and stop thinking they are insane just because everybody else laughs at them

It is not a case of casual or wistful day dreaming but an actual and persistent dream

Some would ask, “how do you expect to achieve all that?” Some say my expectations are too high and ridiculous. That the reality could never match up and live up to the dream. But it is a risk am prepared to take

After all what is life without taking a risk? And more importantly without chasing a dream? So I’ve learnt to be less doubtful about myself

I’ve also learnt to be more vocal than I really was before

I have lived a better part of my childhood in my head. Which in turn means my natural inclination is to be a loner. So sharing my space, my hopes, my dreams and feelings with someone else is always considered an uncharted territory but I have recently began to do it with people I consider close to me

In some way it feels liberating and in other ways it scares my rigid, flew in the face of all I understood about myself

Still progress

I am not scared of flipping and falling anymore

I am not triggered by loud music and wild parties anymore

I enjoy silence. Loud noises give me jitters. I connect more to the calm and quiet

I have reached a point where I am more inclined towards reflection and contemplation than being in a place where I forget to think all together

I desire more to observe and less to participate

A perfect gateway for me could simply be a fulfilling conversation with a person who speaks about more than just a better half; someone who wants to talk about their goals, achievements and experiences from life

I like the quiet. Quiet chilled places , with calm people. I like peace

This past year I finally found a home. And its within me. I have learnt how my soul operates. I’ve learnt to be patient with myself. I know am doing my best even though it isn’t what I would always define as best

I have battled anxiety everyday because life is not meant to be locked inside four walls

I’ve moved beyond my comfort zone both mentally and physically

I have realized am stronger than I thought. Not the physical type of strength but the strength that required you to walk through the fire of life and come out alive

I am wiser. Innately beyond the material realm. I am worthy. I am a woman beyond the womb space. I am a fighter and I am a winner.

I dunno where I want to be in life this 2019 but wherever it will be, I promise it won’t be boring.

Cheers 💞

What would your heaven be like?

aaa82b66ead85867144a045c3a1f59a0-1If you had a heaven what would it be like?

I think heaven would be specific to each person

Everyone would have their own version of heaven

My heaven would be waking up to bread buttered sandwich and a hot cup of cappuccino by the beach side every single day

My heaven would be knowing love as a beautiful mirage. Knowing a love that would take me across oceans. A love that would tell me am home no matter where I am

It would be driving out with a bunch of friends that matter at night while binge watching the glowing flickering lights in tall buildings and long bridges as we roll down windows to feel the soft breeze tangling our hairs while brushing through our delicate skins

It would be curling up in my warm sweater with a book I can’t seem to put down despite reading it for the hundredth time as the rain fiercely hits my roof top

It would be living in a town long enough to look at the sky and know the difference between a foggy day and merely a foggy morning that will be burnt off by midday by the early June sunshine leaving behind a beautiful afternoon

It would be trespassing into a neighbour’s compound and seeing the pool laying there open, the water so blue and inviting,practically begging me to strip off and jump and actually doing it. And when done allowing myself to dry off naturally, walking naked around the town gardens, popping strawberries and pears into my mouth while admiring the roses that were just starting and climbing back into my clothes with a contented sigh when I am quite dry

It would definitely be having a sip of my favorite peppermint hot chocolate drink in the cafe at the corner of a busy street

It would be taking my day off to hike up the forest filled with tall ever green line trees. Watching the bright radiant sun setting behind the horizon

My heaven would be being with someone who doesn’t have to fuck you over then loose you to finally understand how much they need you

It would be having my eye brows look so good and my bank account ever growing

It would be living a life that is as care free as rubbing my eyes after washing my make up off

It would be realising real happiness isn’t something large and looming on the horizon ahead but something small, numerous and already existing. My little every day joys lined up in a row

My heaven would be realizing that my body is the home I’ll ever really own. It may have some broken windows and tear stains on the floor but there is wisdom on it’s book shelves. And genuine laughter to light the room up. There is a vase on the table where all the love I’ve grown blooms. This body is my shelter.

My heaven would be healing through self acceptance. Embracing the hidden parts of myself. Loving what I know is broken while witnessing what feels messy , edgy and raw in me.

Heaven would be telling myself a different story. It would be listening to the deepest calling of my soul. Replacing pain with power and fear with love🌻

What would your heaven be like?

Put your best foot forward

fear

We live in a world where mental illnesses are considered shameful and are constantly too neglected

It is very unfortunate that mental illnesses still carry a great amount of stigma

A kind of stigma that prevents most sufferers from seeking medical assistance

Sufferers are completely overpowered by the ailments yet nobody is willing to make it better for them

Do you know what it feels like to be a victim?

To constantly be in worry and darkness

To constantly be overwhelmed with anxiety, paranoia and panic attacks

To have people constantly talk behind your back thinking you are on drugs or you are insane

To often have internal fights where you try so hard to live your life like a normal person every single day

The constant breakdowns

Living with a body that fights to survive and a mind that wants to die

It can be so difficult to find strength in the midst of your deepest weaknesses but it’s always there

Sometimes it’s unseen, sometimes unfelt but it is always there

I know you’ve decided that you hate this life

That it’s too agonizing, too appallingly fragile and quite unfair

Everything hurts too much and that it’s best to make an exit because you feel like you know full you are about to enter a realm beyond endurance

All reserves of strength stoicism and resilience have been depleted and you don’t want to grapple anymore with such ruthless sorrow

I know you cannot live with the idea of living in a state of permanent anguish and shame and I know you are looking for a permanent escape but listen to me first

Mental health is not a personal failure

There is no shame in therapy

No shame in medication

No shame in absolutely anything you are going through

And yes you are not alone and we all need to feel better

Accept yourself and acknowledge your situation

Take your medication

This is you and there is no one else exactly like you in this world

This battle is yours to fight because you are capable

God does not give you a burden than you have the strength to bare

So hang in right there

Live your best life

You own everything about you: your body, your feelings and your actions

You own your triumphs and successes, all your failures and mistakes

So love yourself and be friendly with all your struggles

Put your best foot forward hunnie and step into this like you’ve never before

Take your time and love all those bad days

Love the struggles, embrace them because you are only going to come out a winner

If flowers can teach themselves how to blossom after winter passes, so can you.

You are a star and you are beautiful but you have to show that to the world

It shall be well with you

candle-in-the-dark

Hate is hard to sustain but grief isn’t. Grief is something that can stay with you for a very long time

I cannot wave a magic wand to fix you but I make a solemn promise to you that you are going to be okay

I know you feel like you have hit the rock bottom but trust me you have the strength to keep going

All because you are a hero

I know because I’ve been there before

I know because I have seen my life shatter into a million pieces right in front of my eyes after I lost a loved one

The idea that he was dead seemed absurd

Inconceivable

After reading his obituary I forgot all about all I was doing and instead I found myself wandering aimlessly around the city for the balance of the day

At some juncture, I made my way home

It was late. I opened the door, let myself inside and took off my coat. I sat down on an arm chair for quite a while and remained there for a very long time

Only after an hour or so did I notice I had failed to turn the lights on in the apartment

That I was sitting all alone in the dark

I went into my bedroom and got into bed. I pulled the covers tight over me and starred up the ceiling.

I kept expecting to fall apart, to come asunder and weep uncontrollably

But I was too concussed to cry. The eternity of it all -the terrible realization that I would never talk to him again rendered me insensible

I couldn’t fathom his loss. Nor could I fathom why I had spent so much time being stubborn, so intractable. So unforgiving

So much time separated from the man I loved

A separation sparked by his dire mistakes but then fuelled by my inability to be forgiving, understanding and show mercy

In the process of punishing him I had punished myself

How could I have squandered so much time?

I kept willing myself to breakdown -to have that big cathartic moment

But all I could do was stare blankly  at the ceiling and wonder whether I had in my own way, killed him

Sheer exhaustion forced me into bed that morning

I woke up hours later. I knew the funeral would begin in less than two hours

I dreaded going but I had no choice

I kept my head lowered as the words of the mass reverberated around my ears

And on this day full of tears, from the ashes arises a guilty man to be judged: oh lord have mercy on him

I pressed my fingers hard against my eyes. I had judged him harshly and yes, I had finally forgiven him. Far too late

But the magic wand that keeps me alive is the memories we created. I remember having this long conversation with his mother right after the funeral

“He loved you. You should have seen his face whenever he talked about you. It was goddamn incandescent. I’d never seen anything like it. I didn’t understand it to be honest because I’d never felt that way about anyone. Alright he could be something of a fuck up sometimes, he made some terrible calls. He didn’t know how to face up to big decisions. He had an awful habit of loosing his nerve. And god! How he hated himself for failing anyone but I also know at heart, he was also stumbling through like the rest of us. Trying his best. It might not have amounted to much but at least he truly loved you. Without condition. And how often in life does that even happen?”

How can any of us recognize that inexplicable moment which seals our fate?

The tide recedes but leaves behind
bright seashells on the sand

The sun goes down but gentle warmth still lingers on the land

The music stops, yet it still echoes on in sweet refrains. For every grief that passes, something beautiful remains.