Put your best foot forward

fear

We live in a world where mental illnesses are considered shameful and are constantly too neglected

It is very unfortunate that mental illnesses still carry a great amount of stigma

A kind of stigma that prevents most sufferers from seeking medical assistance

Sufferers are completely overpowered by the ailments yet nobody is willing to make it better for them

Do you know what it feels like to be a victim?

To constantly be in worry and darkness

To constantly be overwhelmed with anxiety, paranoia and panic attacks

To have people constantly talk behind your back thinking you are on drugs or you are insane

To often have internal fights where you try so hard to live your life like a normal person every single day

The constant breakdowns

Living with a body that fights to survive and a mind that wants to die

It can be so difficult to find strength in the midst of your deepest weaknesses but it’s always there

Sometimes it’s unseen, sometimes unfelt but it is always there

I know you’ve decided that you hate this life

That it’s too agonizing, too appallingly fragile and quite unfair

Everything hurts too much and that it’s best to make an exit because you feel like you know full you are about to enter a realm beyond endurance

All reserves of strength stoicism and resilience have been depleted and you don’t want to grapple anymore with such ruthless sorrow

I know you cannot live with the idea of living in a state of permanent anguish and shame and I know you are looking for a permanent escape but listen to me first

Mental health is not a personal failure

There is no shame in therapy

No shame in medication

No shame in absolutely anything you are going through

And yes you are not alone and we all need to feel better

Accept yourself and acknowledge your situation

Take your medication

This is you and there is no one else exactly like you in this world

This battle is yours to fight because you are capable

God does not give you a burden than you have the strength to bare

So hang in right there

Live your best life

You own everything about you: your body, your feelings and your actions

You own your triumphs and successes, all your failures and mistakes

So love yourself and be friendly with all your struggles

Put your best foot forward hunnie and step into this like you’ve never before

Take your time and love all those bad days

Love the struggles, embrace them because you are only going to come out a winner

If flowers can teach themselves how to blossom after winter passes, so can you.

You are a star and you are beautiful but you have to show that to the world

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It shall be well with you

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Hate is hard to sustain but grief isn’t. Grief is something that can stay with you for a very long time

I cannot wave a magic wand to fix you but I make a solemn promise to you that you are going to be okay

I know you feel like you have hit the rock bottom but trust me you have the strength to keep going

All because you are a hero

I know because I’ve been there before

I know because I have seen my life shatter into a million pieces right in front of my eyes after I lost a loved one

The idea that he was dead seemed absurd

Inconceivable

After reading his obituary I forgot all about all I was doing and instead I found myself wandering aimlessly around the city for the balance of the day

At some juncture, I made my way home

It was late. I opened the door, let myself inside and took off my coat. I sat down on an arm chair for quite a while and remained there for a very long time

Only after an hour or so did I notice I had failed to turn the lights on in the apartment

That I was sitting all alone in the dark

I went into my bedroom and got into bed. I pulled the covers tight over me and starred up the ceiling.

I kept expecting to fall apart, to come asunder and weep uncontrollably

But I was too concussed to cry. The eternity of it all -the terrible realization that I would never talk to him again rendered me insensible

I couldn’t fathom his loss. Nor could I fathom why I had spent so much time being stubborn, so intractable. So unforgiving

So much time separated from the man I loved

A separation sparked by his dire mistakes but then fuelled by my inability to be forgiving, understanding and show mercy

In the process of punishing him I had punished myself

How could I have squandered so much time?

I kept willing myself to breakdown -to have that big cathartic moment

But all I could do was stare blankly  at the ceiling and wonder whether I had in my own way, killed him

Sheer exhaustion forced me into bed that morning

I woke up hours later. I knew the funeral would begin in less than two hours

I dreaded going but I had no choice

I kept my head lowered as the words of the mass reverberated around my ears

And on this day full of tears, from the ashes arises a guilty man to be judged: oh lord have mercy on him

I pressed my fingers hard against my eyes. I had judged him harshly and yes, I had finally forgiven him. Far too late

But the magic wand that keeps me alive is the memories we created. I remember having this long conversation with his mother right after the funeral

“He loved you. You should have seen his face whenever he talked about you. It was goddamn incandescent. I’d never seen anything like it. I didn’t understand it to be honest because I’d never felt that way about anyone. Alright he could be something of a fuck up sometimes, he made some terrible calls. He didn’t know how to face up to big decisions. He had an awful habit of loosing his nerve. And god! How he hated himself for failing anyone but I also know at heart, he was also stumbling through like the rest of us. Trying his best. It might not have amounted to much but at least he truly loved you. Without condition. And how often in life does that even happen?”

How can any of us recognize that inexplicable moment which seals our fate?

The tide recedes but leaves behind
bright seashells on the sand

The sun goes down but gentle warmth still lingers on the land

The music stops, yet it still echoes on in sweet refrains. For every grief that passes, something beautiful remains.

 

Mon Amor

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When did I ever see her courage in raising four children?

When did I ever glimpse the metal with which she coped with life? Never!

She cut corners and wore twenty year old dresses, refused to recover her threadbare sofa and lived in a cramped apartment -all so one day I wouldn’t have to repeat her story

All so that the second half of my life would be comfortable, secure and well upholstered

But I was too wrapped up in my own “teenage hood” griefs; my own sense of having been betrayed by men, by circumstances, by life

Unlike my mother who stayed silent for decades about the betrayals that have fractured her life and sent it to a difficult trajectory

No doubt she also wanted to scream but she never would have dreamt of articulating such a self-centered complaint

She remained silently stoical

Not realizing that in her own undemonstrative way, she was heroic

Mom, your looks have served you well and continue to serve you well

Still as pretty as ever

Your hair still glossy and sleek

Mostly pulled back in a chignon

Your cheek bones still high, your eyes still twinkling with amusement under perfectly arched brows

You are a beauty that is rarely seen this days

A natural elegance and style that has prevailed throughout your years although you don’t see it anymore

I know now when you look in the mirror you see the lines, your cheeks concave under your cheek bones

The skin so thin it sometimes seem that you can see your bones and you try to cover as many imperfections with make up

You still feel like you cannot leave the house without your full make up

Your trademark scarlet lipstick is the first thing you put on every morning

Even before your underwear, even before a bath

But I’ll tell you this for free

Those imperfections are the ones that make you so beautifully fragile

You are a drop dead beauty, even these days when your make up is sometimes patchy and your lipstick smudging over the lines of your lips cause you are too stubborn to let me help you with it

You are still as beautiful as ever. That’s the woman I’ve grown up knowing and seeing and I’ve lived to believe it

You are incredible and i love you. I would be satisfied if I was half as good a person as you

A man needs something to hold on a nine pound hammer or a woman like you

I hope you know how terrific I think you are❤

 

 

TO BE HUMAN

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I am slowly learning exactly what it really means to be human

I am slowly learning that sometimes I’ll bleed when I fall down

I am learning to accept that sometimes beautiful things come to an end

Terrible stuff happen to everyone. It’s the basic law of living.

But so is one simple fact: you have no choice but to keep going

You might not be particularly happy but you shouldn’t be unhappy either

I’m slowly learning that sometimes the timing might not be particularly right

And the messiness of life gets in the way and rearranges everything

And that’s okay

This is what it means to be human

I am slowly learning how to let go of past feelings, sad memories and painful experiences

I am slowly learning how to be alone,

how to wake up and make breakfast for one

How to go out on vacations all on my own

How to take up my own space

I am slowly learning what it is to be just human

What it means to make the same mistakes over and over

What it means to accept those mistakes, learn from them and live with them and most importantly forgive myself

I am slowly learning how to make my own choices and how to live with the choices I make

Things might happen by accident but we make choices. That’s what we have to live with. Not the accidents, the fluke -but the choices we make in the wave of it. Because they really do determine our destiny

I am learning how to hold my own heart

how to stop filling voids with other people, places or things, but instead confront the situation differently and find healing within myself.

I am learning how to be easy with myself

How to take baby steps towards being great because even princesses and she wolves bleed

I am learning how to find contentment within myself

How not to bend for anyone

How to find my worth and stand on it

How not to compromise my happiness for anyone or anything else. How to be selfish

I am slowly learning what it really feels to be human

How to stop wasting time with people who do not positively impact on my growth as a person

I am slowly learning the life changing magic of not giving a fuck about irrelevant things. About things I cannot change. About situations that are beyond my control

I am learning that the essence of being human is not to seek perfection

We are all just humans trying to make it in a world that is rapidly loosing its understanding of being human and saving humanity.

I am slowly learning how to be a perfect human in my own flaws.

 

Forbidden love

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There are moments in life when certain things shouldn’t be confronted

When we don’t want clarity, forthrightness, the truth

There is that dark hole in our souls that can only be lightened by love, forbidden love

That love will forever remain there in a fragile tender state

Your heart must have been a mere empty vessel, tossing around helplessly but his love brought you back to the shore

This feeling of pure ecstasy, blissfulness, serenity

But this same love feeling is very deceiving

Sometimes it prevails but most times it hurts

There is certainly a distinct and awful pain that comes with loving someone

Its like a candle you hold that lights up your entire surroundings but leaves your hands burnt and bruised

People dissapoint

Life is funny like that, when the dust settles at the end of the day and we’ve settled, we realize every part of us, even the most loving ones are a little broken

But then again maybe you guys were never meant to be

Maybe you were just meant to reflect fondly upon each other’s lives

But oddly enough none of us will ever grow graceful in pain so sometimes we cry

Sometimes we want to cry but we can’t

All we can do is look out into the dark cloud, the dark blank night and think so this is what happened

Maybe we are just unlucky

Maybe the odds are always against us

Or maybe there comes a point in life when you can no longer grieve for everything life throws at us

It’s not that you suddenly accept your fate, rather, you now understand a central truth

There is a thing called tragedy and it shadows us all

We live in fear of it

We try to keep it at bay but like death, it is omnipresent

It permeates everything we do

We spend a lifetime building a fortress against it’s onslaught

But it still triumphs

Because tragedy is so casual, aimless, indiscriminate

And having a broken heart is a tragedy

When it does hit us we look for reason, justifications, messages from on high

But that’s just how things are

What I do know is that it doesn’t always work when your heart leads your head

Which in turn means what?

Maybe we will never get it right

Which is perhaps one of the greatest reasons why love always disappoints

We enter it hoping it will make us whole

That it will shove up our foundations, end our sense of incompleteness, give us the stability we crave

Then we discover that on the contrary, it is a deeply exposing experience, because it is so charged with ambivalence

We seek certainty in another person

We discover doubt – both in object of our affection and in ourselves

So perhaps the trick of it is to recognize the fundamental ambivalence lurking behind every form of human endeavour

Because once you recognize that once you grasp the flawed nature of everything, you can move forward without disappointment

Until of course you fall in love again

But a heart that’s been broken is a heart that has loved and to hurt is just as human as to breathe.

 

A Letter to my son

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Dear son,

I want you to know that I love you and I loved you ever since i knew of your existence. My love is more than pride for who you are and who you’ll become as you grow up. I know that my love is part of your foundation. I hope my love helps your heart become strong and fearless yet vulnerable and open. I hope my efforts are brave but cautious. I hope your heart grows generous but discerning. I will put you before everything. Before me and before my favorite night snack. And now I will tell you about your future. You will meet lots of people in your life. Treat everyone with respect. Respect women at all costs. You will need to be careful not to give in to sinful temptations. You will know you are in love when your knees go soft and weak. When your stomach gets more butterflies than those you get when you have to complete your assignment when the teacher is collecting the books. Remember that being a man is a blessing, you have the divine power of walking through life like a lion. Strong, smart and wise but stay humble for her. Listen to her and take her advice. When she’s in pain and you are the cause take the lead, apologize and live the apology. Any woman you love deeply and passionately deserves the work you put in to fix a mistake. Son, never be afraid. Do not be afraid to ask the prettiest girl in the class out, do not be afraid to tell her you like her enough to share your jacket during cold night walks home. Do not settle for an imperfect fit. And when you finally get her, love her to bits. Fight to keep the tingle in your  stomach as strong as ever and always protect her heart with your life.

Do not forget to love yourself. Love yourself until it hurts no more. Society will tell you being a man means muscles, a sport car and an expensive lifestyle. I want to let you know that it is acceptable to have all those things all together but it is also perfectly okay to set your own goals and take your time to achieve every one of them. Whichever path you choose I will support you. For a man is made up of his own dreams. Your manliness should never be measured by simplistic attributes that people think you need to possess. You don’t need to have watched all those series every guy is following up with, or even know the team that made it to the world series. You don’t need to be a football head or know how to hit a baseball. The manlihood in you is only based upon the love you carry with you as you live your life. Live honorably. Choose integrity. Take responsibility not only for your actions but also your thoughts and choices. Remember that first impression matters. A firm handshake, a ready and confident posture for this reflects strength of character. Always choose good. Honour your elders, love your family and respect the law. Just grow in goodness and make me proud. You are a masterpiece.

The one constant throughout this wild ride is that my love for you, bud, just keeps growing.

Love you to pieces,

Mom.

BROKEN WORLD

07f8ee543e4a5f53cd7dc5526f215a41.jpgThe world has a tendency to break things

Broken bottles

Broken dishes

Streets filled with broken people and broken hearts

Every time you stop and turn around something else just hits the ground

It’s a broken world

An aching world

A woeful world of broken souls

Broken dreams and hopeless days

Broken bonds and hopeless promises

It’s hard to find beauty in a broken world

Sometimes we sought through the shattered pieces with hope of finding something intact, something solid, something whole but we get lost in the process

We often get lost on the highway of happiness

Somehow we just take the wrong turn

We often find ourselves on the road of hopelessness

With thorns grown so sharp

Thorns that dig and pierce through deep into our souls

Sometimes we are torn between two solar opposites of almost everything

Between dreams and reality

Between what our hearts want and what we should logically do

Between exposing our souls and keeping up with the worlds’ deceptive outward

Between wanting to live and wanting to perish away

One day we are so happy bubbling with joy, waking up early just to watch the sun rise

But other days we are not in our skin

Our bodys cannot contain us anymore

We are spilling out and over like a rogue wave on the shore

Then suddenly we find ourselves doing what we swore we wouldn’t do

We don’t remember how long we cried because we were inconsolable

The emotional brakes were finally off

And we surrender to griefs’ unbridled rage

A relentless deluge of anguish and guilt

Anguish because you feel like your whole world is collapsing right under your nose and there isn’t much you can do about it

and guilt because you allowed yourself to go through all this pain and drain once again

My demons are lying in wait

They are grinning in the shadows

But tomorrow, tomorrow could be different

For we live by faith only.

P.S: I am the legal author of everything posted on this page. Kindly do not use my work without giving  credit for that is considered as theft. Thank you😊

 

AFFAIRS OF THE BROKEN HEART

 

HEART

She’s one of those cliched women who discover her husband is having an affair

she always thought she could give him another chance , i mean in those conversations where you imagine the worst and imagine what you would do and how you would react, she thought she would be able to forgive an affair

that infidelity doesn’t have to be the ultimate destroyer of marriage

until it happened and she couldn’t forgive

when she found out she had frozen

she had caught him red handed in the neighborhood restaurant

she hadn’t known whether to run in and scream at him or whether to run away

she had in the end walked away, very fast

it wasn’t until she got to a corner that she started hyperventilating. Not crying

but she was shaking like a leaf, she drove home unable to believe what she saw

that night she read everything she could about affairs

“you can heal” her latest book said, with therapy and counseling you could both heal and reach a place where you can find happiness again

trust takes longer but it is possible to seal the cracks and on occasion build a relationship that is even stronger than prior to the affair

but she couldn’t get herself to go down that road even though he really was sorry

she couldn’t

that was just it

ever since, something shifted for her

a little hardening of a piece of her heart that she had always thought would be reserved for him

there was no longer a soft spot

she had always thought of her husband as someone so powerful, so capable, so strong but in one fell swoop she had lost all respect for him and those times when he would turn up on her doorstep in tears, it all seemed like crocodile tears and all she could do not to slap him round the face was to snap him out of it with a sarcastic laughter

she saw him as pathetic

the divorce was finalized four months ago

it could have gotten nasty but she chose not to go down that road

life became unbearably hard

she was lonely

during those days she had often felt lost and hadn’t wanted to go anywhere or see anyone

she would go to bed and sleep away her depression, sleeping pills prescribed to her by her concerned doctor knocked her out until midday

work suddenly became too much and quite exhausting

week days were hell

they were the worst

she spent the entire weekend in bed

a few times watching television gossip shows, home decorating shows, food networks over and over drifting in and out of sleep unable to answer the phone or doorbell

she doesn’t remember when she started feeling normal again

she felt the need to find herself again after two years of living misery

she knew who she was before all this started

she moved out to a different house with the intention to move on and move forward

she put her bags down and goes over to the window , looking out with great delight

a sigh of satisfaction escaping her

she had been too busy to do a lot of things she once enjoyed

things that once upon a time fed her soul

why is it that the soundtrack to her life stopped the day she got married?

she put on some music, pouring herself a glass of wine and soaked in a hot bubble bath ready to embark on this new journey

to look for who she was before being someones’ wife

she got good neighbors and they became good friends

she was invited over for a party at their place

God knows it has been years since she dressed up or even attended a party

she’s been living in ratty old clothes and works suits at work

so today is that day

the party goes down tonight

Sim is not a woman who lives for shopping but today she has an image in mind of who she wants to be tonight

so she heads to Wall-mart determined to find the dress she had created for herself in her imagination

she gets a floaty chiffon dress in turquoise and sea green, it sets off her tan beautifully, delicate tan leather sandals, flat and plain apart from a tiny enamel and gold turtle on each side

quite unlike herself her eyes are sparkling, her skin glowing and she feels excited as if she is on the brink of something wonderful

as if there is a world of possibilities out there, waiting for her to come and grab them

back at home she spends a lot of time getting ready

she soaks in a large claw-footed tab in her own bathroom and later sits at the dressing table rolling her hair in curls so it falls in exactly the waves she had imagined

just a touch of make up, some bronze to bring out her tan, mascara to emphasize her eyes and a slick of clear lip gloss

tonight Sim is no longer a dowdy wife and an obsessed work freak

tonight she is a temptress

beautiful, exotic and able to get anything she wants. And this is the first step to self discovery

LETTER TO MYSELF

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Dear me,

This is you,

 

get up!

self care isn’t always about staying pretty

sometimes it’s forcing yourself to get out of bed and work hard for better days

it is not always candle lit dinners and a bathtub full of roses

sometimes it is trying to convince yourself to do all these things you should be doing but you have no will whatsoever

it is knowing your mental health is priority

your happiness is priority and your existence is meaningful

I know the world can be a dangerous place to be

it can take away the curve of your smile in seconds

no matter how you have put together a good life, something will inevitably ruin it

life is not always a smooth sail and a fair go

it consists of ups and downs

good and bad days

gloom and cheer

thrills and chills

the ride goes up and down

but you won’t always be chained to your sadness

you wont always be conflicted

it’s only going to get better

be alone

eat alone

take yourself on dates

and in the midst of alone you will figure out what inspires you and curate your own dreams, your own beliefs and your own stunning clarity

remember that you are a star dust

you are constellations

you carry so much more than anyone will ever know

you are a piece of art that you didn’t think would come this far

you are an explosion of colors

dear self, promise me you will never be anything less

you are love, light and laughter

you are a human tissue you also soak in tears

you bleed when you fall down

you crash and you break down

and that is alright

you can take so much until you have had enough

you don’t have to always have it together but always dust yourself up

some people require more light than others so make extra.

 

dear me,

this is you,

sincerely yours.

 

inspired by thrills and chills

author Boniface Sagini

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